inner monologues from someone who can't hear them (April '26)
I have a lot of thoughts I don't voice, I think the best way would be to write them down somewhere. I guess I'm using my bearblog like a journal now >_>?
Thursday April 2, 2026
- Today I stepped on something sharp on the back sole of my foot and it started bleeding. It hurts to walk a little. Paired with the fact I've bruised my Achilles' Heel (this was a development awhile ago) and the fact I painted my nails just yesterday (the best I've ever painted them mind you, without a top coat...!!), I've developed what I can only describe as the gait of a partially wounded animal. Like a horse, maybe, because the only way I can walk comfortably is on the front weight of my soles. I feel like I'm prawling around whenever I do something. It's kind of fun.
- Yesterday I got ghosted by my professor. She still hasn't responded to me and frankly I'm a bit dismayed but it's okay.
- Writing in prose is hard when I already know what I want the characters to do. Considering I don't have the ability to imagine things I think of ideas in a sort of script which makes all the artistry in depictions in writing a bit.. inconvenient, I'd say?
- I've realized now that all of my previous journal entries besides a tame few are unpublished. Kinda funny, but definitely for the better of my own sake and everybody else's
Friday April 3, 2026
- Miraculously, my injury has been healed! I thought it would take longer given how much I was bleeding and how deep the injury looked. The human body works in mysterious and cool ways (Wish I could say the same for the bruised half :/)
- There is a website, Zooniverse, that I used to contribute to when I was in high school. Unfortunately, I didn't have the foresight to think that I'd use it later in the future, and the misleading instructions meant I put my full name and school...... There's no way to change it, so I just have to say bye to my 336 contributions (16.8 hrs worth OTL) on that account and delete it >_< I'll get everything back eventually!
Tuesday April 7, 2026
- Yesterday my professor grilled a paper I half-assed and now I have my regrets Q_Q At least I learned a lot of things! I feel like that one episode in Spongebob where Squidward tells Spongebob to forget everything but fine dining and breathing. Forget relying on academic journals when you can't back up why you added it in the first place oOoOoOo...
- Honestly I'm a bit tired of reading a ton of academic journals anyway.. The academic space makes it a constant uphill battle to actually acquire stuff :/
- And speaking of them, the amount of publications focused on generative AI is teeth gritting. It'll be a topic I'm actually researching then suddenly be shoehorned in with AI like.. I didn't ask for that... Who are you...
- Reading literature reviews becomes more amusing when you think of it like a fist fight between researchers, or think of it like a game of 'he said, she said, etc..'
- A few days back me and my sister went down a ridiculous rabbit hole involving the PSP game Adventure To Go, may write a whole post about that if I don't forget
Thursday April 9, 2026
Status (Afternoon): Grovelling and mulling about a topic proposal, sleepy
Status (Night): Wide awake, wrist hurt, somehow not sleepy
- Pokemon Champions dropped yesterday! I've been having a blast playing it. The cosmetics are what hooked me in, it's a shame winning a battle only gives you 300-some monies -_-
- I finally did something I was putting off for awhile! I'm not proud of myself for letting it collect dust for that long, but at least I finally took initiative. I hope this is one step closer to finally selling character designs, among doing other monetary things.
Friday April 10, 2026
Status (Afternoon): Not feeling much, had a weird dream. Feeling some sort of dread hanging over me :(
- Last night I drew 3 fully colored drawings and mannn I am feeling it right now. My wrist hurts.
- I also had an epiphany for an OC project I'm working on in the shower. I should really write that down!!
Thursday April 23, 2026
Status (Afternoon): Tired, hungry, trying to motivate myself and failing so now I need to bring out the gogh / Pomodoro method
Status (Night): Feeling the flow and a bit better prior to when I word-dumped earlier
- Well, a lot happened that stopped me from going on a roll (See: a typhoon). I'm pretty tired so I don't want to talk about it :V
- I feel like I'm trying too hard / caring about something that ultimately doesn't matter. It's better to just do it and figure out from there. At least I've identified something that's been bothering me.
- Having this sort of, anxiety, kind of sucks because I think the worst outcome will happen if I do something, so I don't do it in hopes it doesn't happen. It happens anyway, and it's worse than I anticipate it.
- I feel like I'm taking a more proactive role, but I don't think I'll ever reach a point where I'm satisfied with being as I am. I need to do more because the state I'm in is embarrassing.
- Maybe I'm hungry. I've also had a pounding headache after the typhoon that's been on and off so that might be a contributor to whatever mood I'm in.
- On the brighter side, I've been writing more. Creative writing while taking a class for research is the most counterintuitive thing I've done though; My habits for both approaches bleed into each other which makes my writing awkward on both sides.
- Needless to say, there's a lot on my mind because this was all written in one sitting.
- ^ I've figured out how to do nice linebreaks! I shouldn't be that surprised considering it's regular HTML, but weirdly enough I wasn't expecting it to work the first time. That's a nice surprise.
- I love my friends. They're really admirable, and I hope I can do cool things like them. I dunno, I don't think I do anything particularly remarkable.
Friday April 24, 2026
Status (Afternoon): Irritable
Status (Night): Headache, wishing I was playing games
- I've been trying to figure out this research proposal before the due date comes around but I feel like I'm at a genuine loss. It's broad and ambitious, and I'm wondering if I should tighten my scope even more than I have.
- Tried recording myself talking to my plushie to get my brain going and I think it kind of helped? I feel less stumped than before but I noticed I have a habit of rambling on about nothing.
- My sister came home with waffles with cream inside it, and I was really excited! Bad thing that happened though - My topic proposal I was working on deleted all of the work I was doing. For four hours.
- Needless to say I had a bit of a cry about it. Halfassed and rewrote it and I'm not proud of it, but I'm just going to explain to my professor and ask her how I can improve on it. Can't spend a lot of time moping about it.
Saturday April 25, 2026
Status (Afternoon): Pounding headache, it's hot :[
- Mentally tapped out for the entire day. Not in a bad way; I'm just lazy. Been playing Infinity Nikki to catch up with the story